Ever wondered how pint pot celebrities like me live? Well, my secret is revealed, I live in a luxury fur lined Hovelshoe, the first affordable five star shoe house on the market. Hovelshoes make ideal starter homes and are available in a wide variety of colours. Each Hovelshoe comes complete with three bedrooms, a kitchen diner and a small garden and cloakroom.
For an extra charge we can install windows and doors around our patented strap and heel system. Extra grip on your Hovelshoe means you won’t be caught out in bad weather either and helps protect you from the elements all year round with it’s suede simulated outer shell. ‘I love my Hovelshoe’ says Ronnie and you can too! Only three plots left on our extensive luxury estate Stiletto Walk, hurry up, they won’t last long at these prices. 95% mortgages available on all Hovelshoes, buy a left and get a right absolutely free! (offer restricted to Shoeless people only)
Have you noticed warnings on items are getting ridiculously over the top? Product guidelines are a work of art. Here’s a few corkers from my printer guide.
DO NOT EAT TONER FROM TONER CARTRIDGE
Pity, I feel rather famished.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DISASSEMBLE OR BACKWARD ENGINEER INTERNAL COMPONENTS
Damn, That means the technology laboratory I added to the second bedroom for just such an event was built for nothing.
IF PRINTER WEIGHS MORE THAN 40lbs THEN MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS FOR LIFTING IS FOUR PEOPLE
Then how come a single postman can deliver it?
I recently bought a second portable radiator for the studio, it’s a simple affair, you plug it I and it gets warm, not hot, just warm so you could put your hand in it all day and not get burnt. Hey, you can even kick it over and it’s safe and there are no nasty places to insert objects to cause injury. So I was quite surprised when I read the instructions.
The appliance apparently is not to be used by persons with reduced mental capacity, physical injuries or sensory deprivation. Sounds a bit harsh, basically if you’re hungover it’s a no, no then. I mean, what type of reduced mental capacity are we thinking of? Does that mean if you have forgot where you have put the car keys you cannot switch it on? It carries on too; lack of experience and knowledge is also listed as a reason not to flick the switch unless, get this, unless you have been trained by a person responsible for your safety. Does that mean we have fully trained plug in radiator engineers just waiting to share the knowledge? Quick, sign me up!
Still, it seems to be a trend, I happen to catch an advert the other day for a product, I forget what it was but it’s something like a toilet fresher or something but it was animated and featured lots of fairy tale stuff. Splashed across the bottom was a disclaimer. ‘Product advertised features Fairy Tale dramatisation’
Oh, I’m sorry, I thought it was real when that unicorn flew out of the toilet and Rapunzel used her hair to clean the lavatory bowl. I’ll certainly think twice when I sit down now and i’ll be sure to shoo away Billy Goat Gruff first.
Honestly! I must go now, there’s Pinocchio waving to me from the garden and I must join him as we are going to Cinderellas ball where she has got some glass slippers for me to try. Here’s my pumpkin coach now pulled by six mice dressed as butlers. Bye!
*Today’s blog features fairy tale dramatisation and reference to alcohol. Contains infrequent innuendo’s, slightly amusing sentences and sometimes facts. We do not endorse cleaning any toilet with your own hair or the wearing of glass slippers, especially when under the influence of alcohol. This disclaimer is not for people with reduced little fingers, if your little finger is littler than your middle finger then please find a suitably digitally trained individual to train you to read this disclaimer. Hickory dickory dock, the mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one and the others got away with minor injuries. Humpy Dumpty sat on a ball, ouch!