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Handy Around The House

REDUCE CARPET WEAR

Save localised wear and tear on carpets by simply moving furniture onto the worn areas to create a ‘diversion’ on to new unused areas. If your room is square simply tear up the carpet every three months and rotate ninety degrees.

RAINY-DAY SHOE CARE

Leather and suede shoes can become damaged in damp conditions, simply slip them off and pop them in your pockets before venturing out into the rain. When you reach your destination just wring out your socks and pop them back on.

CUTTING VEGETABLES INTO EQUAL LENGTHS

Obstinate vegetables with their unconformist shapes are a positive menace to the dinner party host. Help is at hand with a simply made cutting gadget for the home. Take one 12” length of 1” diameter plywood and at intervals of 1/2” fix razor blades as shown below.

Blades

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Plywood

Now using your hands roll the offending vegetable over the blades (careful!) for regular cut strips that look professional.

REMOVING BLOOD FROM VEGETABLES

Wash all freshly cut vegetables to remove blood and sinew as necessary, guest won’t appreciate body parts in their meal.

REMOVING BLOOD FROM WORKTOPS

An application of white vinegar may sting like hell on your freshly cut fingers but works wonders for removing blood stains.

AVOID UNNECESSARY PUNCTURES

This trick can be achieved fairly simply by cutting a small hole in the bike inner tube and filling with quick drying cement. For a softer ride use blamange instead.

A PLEASANT ALTERNATIVE TO LINOLEUM

Roofing felt is cheaper than linoleum and almost as good a floor covering. Cut to size an lay as normal, it’s rough texture will also help with hard skin on your feet as you carry out your daily routines. It has no pattern of course so you will have to brighten it up with paint. Keep the paint handy such as behind the sofa to touch up any areas that start to show signs of wear.

Just in case you think I’m making some of these up…

This is from the same serious book The Gadgets Annual released in 1955 which contains some real gems of ideas. Already I have learned how to duplicate official documents with a potato, make an amusing chemical snake and hand puppets from glass bulbs right down to making the corners of drawers dust free (place a triangular piece of plywood or metal there to eliminate the corner, unfortunately it fails to mention that this in fact creates two corners instead of one and makes it difficult to store anything with corners, just sayin.’

My absolute favourite though is this…

Self igniting matches for the car!

Mounted on a suitable wooden (flammable) base one quick pull will give you a leathal flaming stick to wave around in your petrol filled metal box. One handed pyromania to impress, they are even held in place with a rubber band (flammable) that if ignites will scatter small little flaming torches all over your crotch with gay abandon much to the amusement of the pedestrians as they scatter out of the way whilst you deal with your own bush fire. Priceless.

So should you struggle with things today such as making accurate notches, wanting a ‘rough’ glove or extending the life of your pencil using a cigarette holder then I’m your man.

I’m off to make myself a Elbow-Action doorknob, remove the smell of paint by setting fire to a bucket of hay and straighten a few stockings out using shingle, boy, it’s so informative and lethal.

Brill!

 

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