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Fingering For An Answer

 

One of the biggest problems for me with painting and using the chemicals associated with them is dry cracked hands. Over the years I have used many methods to avoid it with varying degrees of success so I decided to google it and see what I could find.

Well, I haven’t had my retina burned as much since I decided to innocently search for a ‘nice cream pie’

“I cook every day with butter and always rub it on my hands, I also rub in bacon grease and any animal fat I cook with. Rub it in hard then let your dog lick it off, my fingertips haven’t cracked for two seasons.”

I bet. Unfortunately I don’t fancy my fingers smelling like sausages to passing pooches, call me picky but doesn’t it make life a little difficult leaving greasy bacon flavoured marks on everything you touch? Anyway, I soldered on and found this bit of sage advice.

“I wonder why they use world plant oils as a replacement for the animal skin oil we lose that results in dry skin, too bad they don’t have lotion made from human oil skin”

WTF! Freshly pressed humans to make an oil hat nourishes your skin? Seriously, you have issues, well played Internet, well played indeed.

“Burn a candle and pour the hot wax over the cracked areas, it may sting but the wax will seal in the moisture.”

Wow, never thought of that, I must set fire to a wax stick immediately, I’m sure the burning sensation will make me completely forget about the cracks and the third degree burns will remind me how effective it is as a remedy. I suppose you might be the same person that suggested wire wool and detol makes a great scrub for your genitals. Took me three weeks with my legs in stirrups to get over that one.

“Use udder cream or nipple cracking cream, both are ideal to soothe damaged hands. Regularly rub udder cream in vigorously and work it into a lather to make them feel extra sexy”

Eeek, I think you are posting in the wrong forum, the last thing I want to do is ‘work up a sexy lather’ when dealing with udder cream, try Cow Pokers Corner, the forum for Cow Fanciers With Dubious Practices next door.

“I tried all kind of lotions, bandaids and superglue before I tried Tipex and now I wouldn’t use anything else. A blob of Tipex on the end of my fingers each day seals the tips and I haven’t had dry or cracked skin for years.”

You have probably not had any friends either as they were too embarrassed to be seen with you and your white tipped digits. Superglue? I know it was developed to heal wounds in the Vietnam war but using it on cracked fingers is a little extreme, I mean, what if it isn’t dry and you nip to the loo? Last thing I want is a digit permanently stuck to my bottom hole.

This next one delivers a little too much information, if you are looking to steal an identity he’s your guy. This was posted openly as a reply to cracked and dry hands…

“I’m a male, 5′ 9” and 140 pounds soaking wet after eating a pizza LOL. but I suffer the same problem. However, I’ve been working long hours in the last month or so though (I work in advertising, so sometimes days are 9am – 10pm or later), at my company’s building, and incidentally, washing my hands with the soap in the lav there much more than in the past.

But I went to college in the midwest, just south of Lake Michigan, and survived some brutal winters….with and without gloves, and NEVER experienced this problem before.”

I’m sure the guy has a problem but in two short paragraphs we know his name, height, weight, preference for food, job type, hours worked, toilet hygiene habits and where he went to college, a brief look at his profile and we have his age too and we also know he has cracked and sore fingers. It gets worse. On the same site was this…

“I used to have cracked fingers from fishing but I found that if I stroke an otter after touching fish my fingers don’t crack any more, it’s as if otter oil is protecting my fingers. Does anybody make otter oil?”

Oh Internet you really have excelled yourself, I must try that and nip to Boots to see if they have an otter I can purchase to liberally rub up against every day, it will match the goose I stroke to relieve my symptoms of anxiety and the pygmy goat I lick to relieve flatulance.

“the best treatment for severely dry, cracking skin is prevention.”

Hang on, prevention is not treatment, it’s like, prevention.

“Rub castor oil on your hands and wear cotton socks on them overnight.”

Yes, and wake up screaming when you think your legs are wrapped around the back of your neck.

“You might consider increasing the amount of oil you consume in your diet, drinking more olive or hemp oil will increase the suppleness of your skin and prevent a variety of skin disorders.”

Really? Well pour me a pint of your finest virgin olive oil and fire up the chip pan, I’m about to grease my insides up, I can almost feel the lubrication oozing out of every pore. It may prevent a variety of skin disorders apart from one, stretching. A couple of weeks of this and my skin will feel like a babies bum that coupled with the twenty six stone I have piled on will increase my confidence and allow me to call myself ‘bubbly’.

“Handle some sheep! Makes your hands soft as a babys butt. Use Lanolin, just don’t get too close to a male sheep during breeding season, as that lanolin is some strong-smelling stuff!”

No comment.

You always know its time to stop googling when you reach entries like this.

“I know of a brick mason that came to my taxidermy shop to beg bear fat to render for his hands, failing that he wanted possum.”

And this…

“I find fat or grease hard to wear so I have come up with a handy alternative. Go to Walmart and buy some dollar sausages, fry them and let them cool. Use a sharp knife and cut them lengthways before sliding them onto your fingers. Keep them on for as long as possible then eat them, I haven’t had problems since.”

No, I bet you haven’t.

It’s been really difficult typing this today what with all the Tipex, oil and sausage grease dripping off my fingers that I have had to resort to wrapping them in my underpants so I’m sat here butt naked next to an otter sipping at my gin and Mazola. I hope one of these works or I’m going to feel a real idiot but at least I’ll have a snack to cheer me up and I have managed to work up a sexy lather.

 

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