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Feeling Woolly?

Maudlin Maude here dear, I love to knit and hum at the same time and I’m sure there are others like me that love real music so let’s see, now you can take my Des’O’Bygraves Are You Woolly Enough? questionnaire to discover if you are one of us ‘easy listeners’ and if not why not?

Question One

Do you own a woolly jumper? If so, how many?

A) 1-2 

B) 3-10 

C) 10+ I wear nothing else but woolly jumpers. 

D) zero and if anybody dares buy me one I’m going to roll it up and stuff it where the sun doesn’t shine.

Question Two

Is Stairway to Devon a real song?

A) Yes, it was on the album Bridlington or Bust by Max Doonican

B) Maybe, I remember it could be from the compilation album, Colostomy – It’s Not My Bag.

C) No, the real track is called One Night In Devon by the Wurzels.

Question Three

Which would you choose?

A) A voucher for Celtic Sheepskin.

B) A pair of matching rocking chairs and an open fire.

C) A long arm pickup stick to avoid bending over to change your old 78’s

D) Listen to Radio Norfolk whilst knitting jumpers for dogs.

Question Four

Where is the best venue to listen to ‘real’ music?

A) Urmston Pigeon Club on a Friday night.

B) Weston Super Mare Pier

C) Wells Library in Norfolk

Question Five

Fill in the missing letters

D_s’o’Connor, Max Bygrav_s, Val Doonican.

ANSWERS

Q1 A=1 B=25 C=100 D=1000 (Correct answer is D, you watch people in woolly jumpers entertain you not the other way around, trick question see!)

Q2 A=1000 B=25 C=2000 (Correct answer is C as you are in denial)

Q3 A=1000 B=1000 C=1000 D=1000 (All are worthy pursuits so this was a trick question and you may have found it difficult to answer any particular one as they are all attractive to you)

Q4 A=30 B=500 C=1000 (Correct answer is of course C with its stadium seating arrangement that seats fifty on a good day)

Q5 Answer is ‘e’, bit difficult I know but give yourself 10,000 points if you solved it.

Des’O’Bygraves Are You Woolly Enough How Did You Do?

Less than 100 Sorry, but you are just starting out on discovering this wonderful world of music, try watching the experts if you can find any VHS tapes of them and sit in a rocking chair occasionally, it will help.

101-1000 You know your stuff but your just a bit short of the woolly mark, I recommend buying the treasured Take It Easy box set containing 287 tracks on twenty cassettes, over twenty four hours of non stop music to make you horizontal. Featuring hits like Down With The Crumpits and It’s a Long Way To Nasal Hairy you will be slow hand clapping like a motherflipper in seconds.

>1001 Wow, you are so woolly you shrink in the wash, or is that your age? Did you know you lose an inch every two years after forty five? Of course you did, anyway, you know that easy listening reigns supreme and that all the music of today sounds the same and the last decent song you hear was the Birdy Song, you even know all the moves and can show the kids of today how to strutt your boogie stuff or something like that, I forget so many things nowadays. Trams, they used to run every thirty seconds at the bottom of our street until Doris took a fancy to a young clipper and they found her upside down on the top floor covered in rose water. Punched her ticket he did, they never did run right after that, come to think of it she didn’t walk right after that either.

I’m off to do my knitting wearing my bobble hat, I must get this tea cosy completed, I’m off to a concert tonight, it’s a new band that a nice young gentleman said I should see, apparently they play all the classics with tunes you can hum to. Funny name though, don’t know what they were thinking coming up with Cradle of Filth.

OMG! I just got back, it was so fast that I clapped until my nose bled, Harold my chaperone was carried off with heart palpitations after being hit by a bottle of urine. When Harold returned they played From Cradle To Enslaved and the resulting power chords shorted out his hearing aid with a whistle so loud it lifted his toupee, again he was carried off whilst I tripped which was mistaken for wanting to crowd surf and I was handled in places I hadn’t been touched since the war. It was shocking, although I did get tickets for tomorrow night and I learnt a new word, Bitchin’

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