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Duh Ya Tek Papal Mi’Duck?

Some days the blog just writes itself. The other day I had an email from Paypal asking if I was interested in Paypal Here, a sort of mobile chip and pin machine that works with your phone. We already have a chip and pin machine but clicked on the link anyway to see how it works because I’m a bit nosey when it comes to technology and gadgets even though I’m approaching an old fart age. So I clicked on the video to see it in action so to speak.

Wow, a veritable metropolis, perfectly flat, clean, green patches carefully preserved in a garden like city, I wonder where this could be? The music swells, it sounds like something out of Dallas with oil barons and the like strutting around with their padded shoulder power dressing girlfriends and wives.

It looks even better at night, what a wonderous city teaming with adventure, restaurants, theatres and nightlife like no other. Take in a bit of ballet, go to a comedy club or even see a show the choice is yours. Let’s zoom in a little shall we and take a look at utopia…

Oh, it’s Mansfield. No really, Paypal had anywhere in the world to use that represented a teaming metropolis and they choose Mansfield. As metropolis’s go it’s not very metropolis, even Superman would feel a little disappointed although he would have plenty to do. Obviously I’m flattered they did choose Mansfield, I have very fond memories of Mansfield in its hayday and after all Mansfield needs things like this to help bring it back to life but secretly I was feeling a little duped by the build up. It’s a bit like using footage from Bali to advertise Skegness.

Hey ho, let’s see what adventures unfold. Hmm, a purchase from a bread stall from a charming lady who turns around and gets in a taxi. Hang on, that’s not right, Taxis aren’t allowed where that taxi is, that’s just down from the pea and cockle stand, anyway how come she gets a taxi so easily? If it was a Friday or Saturday night she’d better have her mouth and fists in gear! I wonder where she is going on our one way system?

Hmm, not sure where this is, there’s not many three lane roads in Mansfield and nobody has shouted abuse at her yet, not very realistic is it? Don’t recognise the lamposts either, how sad is that?

Oh, you have actually drove about a fifty feet. In a circle. Maybe she fancied a ride now that the old kiddies roundabout in the marketplace no longer stands on a Saturday. I wouldn’t sit down there love it looks a bit greasy, trust me I have sat down on a greasy curved seat and it’s not pleasant, I bet there’s a few chips around the base of it to warn you. No dialogue, just smiling, like I said totally unrealistic, not an ‘eh up mi’duck’ in sight.

That’s a bit posh isn’t it? They have even got those outside standy uppy tables so you can sip your frappacappachappinomochachocalatte whilst raising your little finger pretentiously. Unfortunately I cannot recall where this location is and I have plenty of experience in dodgy park places let me tell you. Ahem, I shouldn’t have said that it can be misconstrued, let’s pretend you never read it eh? Nope, not a clue, it all looks posh, if you have spotted this coffee stand in Mansfield let me know, it should be declared a local point of interest and placed on tourist maps or something.

Now many of you will be thinking what a dick bashing Mansfield like that, on the contrary I love Mansfield. Yes it has it’s faults, everywhere has it’s faults if you stay long enough but Mansfield is where I live, where I grew up and where I work. Mansfield is ideal to access the national road network in any direction, has within easy reach Sherwood Forest, Chatsworth House, Hardwick Hall, Rufford Country Park, Newstead Abbey, the Derbyshire peaks, the National tram museum, has it’s own fine art collage in a grand building which unfortunately is relocating with much sadness and has a few fine parks scattered through the town including Carr Bank, a park classed as one of the finest urban parks in the UK and of course it’s not Skegness, the list could go on. Sorry for Alvin Stardust though, yep he’s Mansfield too and a piddling little artist that writes blogs whilst farting around creating Impossimalarky or something. His name eludes me, Peter stupid or something.

So Mansfield gets another notch in it’s bulging waistline belt, not content with getting Ronald Regan to advertise Mansfield Bitter (that’s a alcoholic drink, not a statement) in the 80’s, getting a few gold medals courtesy of swimming sensation Rebecca Adlington, having a world class Cantamus Choir and giving the world Alvin Stardust, deeply sorry about that, I really can’t apologise enough, we now attract multinational companies such as Paypal and Greggs. Mansfield, gateway to the world, whatever next? Before you know it we will have colour television and telephones, amazing!

And that is why I love Mansfield, I get the thrill of going back to the future every time I travel anywhere else.

Just don’t mention Alvin Stardust to me, I get easily confused between him and Alvin the chipmunk, some of the leather clad, glove wearing chipmunk dreams have haunted me for years.


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