Dismal Dog here, where the sun never shines and the bird never sing. Ever wondered how dismal your life is? I have and it’s a dismal black hole sucking big time, but enough about miserable me how dismal are you?
Here’s a tiresome quiz to make you miserable.
1. You get on the bus, it’s full apart from one seat next to a large gentleman, do you…
A) Ask if the seat is taken then perch on the edge until your stop.
B) Squeeze on and comment it’s a bit of a tight fit whilst sharing a chocolate and exchanging banter with your new seat partner.
C) Look disdainfully at the six inch of seat before preferring to stand with a face like a slapped arse making sure you tut under you breath every few seconds, roll your eyes and huffing every minute.
D) You take out a pair of scissors and cut out a duck shape from the seat fabric, you drape this over your nose and bark like a dog.
2. Looking in a cake shop you see rows of delicious cakes, which one do you choose?
A) At the back there’s a little custard tart, that’ll do, wouldn’t want to be much trouble.
B) Have the elephants foot chocolate and cream puff followed by the strawberry and cream tart and a slice of gateaux. You ask for these whilst passing witty banter between the staff.
C) You see nothing you like, ever, and it’s just your luck. Everything looks too fruity, or too creamy or just too chocolaty and it’s busy inside. Looks like it’s the same sandwiches again for dinner, I suppose there will be a queue there too.
D) You order all the cakes and ask for them to be lined up across the counter, taking out your cane you knight each one by hitting them. You stuff the remains in a pair of socks and hang them from your ears.
3. You win a holiday in Spain, how do you react?
A) I have never won anything before in my life, I’m a little scared but excited too.
B) Whoop! Whoop! Bring it on!
C) They could have told me earlier, I hate surprises and Spain is too hot I don’t know why I ever entered. Why couldn’t I win something more useful. I’m not going.
D) You demand that you fly there on the back of a swan manned by the Krankies and stay at a hotel called Bonketybonk because you like the sound.
4. Tuning your radio you like to listen to which station?
A) Radio 4 is my favourite, not too much music and a little discussion.
B) Radio 1 or Capital FM, I want to party!
C) Radio? There’s nothing ever on the radio just like the television, it’s full of misery, why would I want to listen to it when my life is full of it.
D) Your Radio is attached to a hollowed out guava half to act as a speaker, you then increase the voltage until the vibrations from Classic FM cause the guava to explode. You film it all whilst shouting the word phallic and enter the Turner Prize.
How miserable did you do?
You are a gentle soul who wouldn’t want to necessarily harm anybody or put them out, unfortunately the world is a hammer and you may get pummeled from time to time. There’s not many of you left about, arm yourself and start a sect.
You are vibrant, full of fun and the life of a party. You live life to the full and don’t care what anybody thinks. At the age of forty two your consignment of cats will come and you will have chance to reflect on a feline future.
Well done, you are a miserable bannister and see the worst in everything. To maximise your miserableness make sure you only ever work and live in the same area for all your life and never travel any further away than your yearly holiday to a run down holiday destination so you can have a good moan about how run down it is.
Bibblebop my flange, you are Surrealius Maximus a veritable rambutan individual with impeccable nutmegs and a eye for the strangelicious.
NB. Today’s results are for fun only and are now way intended to portray the four traits of our miserable, happy, shy, surreal blog writer.