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Couldn’t Careline – Your Friendless Switchboard

Welcome to Blogging The Impossimal careline, your call is important to us please select from the following options. Press 1 if you can’t read today’s blog, press 2 if today’s blog is not funny, press 3 to register your disgust, press 4 to hear some filthy talk, press 5 to hear these options again because you didn’t listen the first time or hold to speak to an operator.

Your call is number 253, your waiting time is approximately one hour and twenty nine minutes. Please be aware all calls are recorded for amusement purposes or to prove a point should you become abusive, calls cost £1 a minute unless you pressed option 4 our premium naughty service which is billed separately at £3 per naughty word, moans cost an extra £1 for fake and £5 for genuine. Option 4 will be discreetly listed on your bill as XXX HOT ACTION to avoid embarrassment.

You have pressed 1, please hold…

I’m sorry, if you have pressed one you are indeed telling porkies as that option was only available to readers of today’s blog and as you are reading this we deem you to be a reader and thus option 1 has been removed for your safety as you obviously can’t tell the difference between reading and not reading. Possibly you also are not sure of the difference between light and dark or near and far. Please press 1 to return to the menu.

1

Didn’t you read that last bit? I said option 1 has been removed. God you are so stupid, please hold whilst I get something to slap you with. We are returning you back to our main menu, don’t press 1 again.

2

Really? Not funny? I tell you what matey you wouldn’t know funny if you visited the Funhouse at 26 Fun Street in Funtown. You want funny? Well I’ll give you funny.

How many unfunny people does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, just you.

Want another one?

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Ura

Ura who?

Ura arsehole.

Who’s funny now eh? Hang on everybody I’m sending Mr Unfunny back to the switchboard and disabling option 2. Get ready to be underwhelmed with a caller who obviously has a case of the stupids today.

3

Thankyou for registering your disgust, it has been duly noted that we are indeed disgusted with you and it was so nice for you to admit it. For your convenience we have posted onto your Facebook and Twitter feeds and asked your friends and family to rate how disgusted they are with you. Returning you back to the switchboard.

5

Are you that stupid that you can’t remember the options? Options 1 to 3 have been disabled for stupids, please wait for an operator. You are call 2735, the approximate waiting time is two months. We will be with you as soon as possible in the meantime press 4 to listen to music or wait to listen to a fog horn mixed with a whistle at high volume.

4

Welcome to ‘Make Me Moan!’ Our premium Hot Hot Line, we have put you through to Peter our voluptuous 44DD curvy model from Sweden with long golden hair and the smell of fresh laundry.

‘Hey baby, my name is Peter, would you like to hear me moan?’

Press 7 for a small moan, 8 for an average moan and 9 for a full on moan.’

9

Full moan selected

‘Hey baby, I’m absolutely sick of the news on television, it’s full of misery delivered in a mind numbing sensational way that winds me up. Newspapers are just as bad. Why does nobody use indicators when driving any more? What’s with all the 50 mph speed limits we now have? Why does at your convenience always lead to more inconvenience? Only today I phoned a switchboard only to be…’

‘Click’

Bzzzzzt.

 

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