Looking for the person of your dreams? Someone who is always there for you, understand you, loves and accepts you as you are? Then look no further, our new Comp-U-Date service will do all the hard work for you. Fill in our handy questionnaire and press submit to find your perfect partner.
PLEASE COMPLETE IN BLOCK CAPITALS
1. Mr / Mrs / Ms / Master / Slave / Pet
First Name _____________
Security Question – Second letter from your surname _
1. PERSONAL INFORMATION
Marital Status : Single/Divorced/Separated/Free/Easy/Footloose/Screwloose
Age in dog years ___ Height in mm _______mm
Occupation __________ (Make it sound good, for example if you work in telesales call your self a Lead Generation Marketing Specialist)
Religion ________ Please, no Jedi’s, Church of Elvis or Arthur Mullards Donkey Poking Church of the Latter Day Farm
Build : Puny / Little / Slight / Medium / Medium-Well Done / Big / Large / Huge / Massive / Jabba / Dumbo
Attractiveness : Pug Ugly / Ugly / Slightly Awkward / Average / Duck Face / Attractive / Very Attractive / Sex Machine On Legs / God Like
What do you look like first thing in the morning? – A Banshee / Donald Duck / Peppa Pig / Like a finely crafted turd / I’ve hit every branch falling out of the ugly tree / The Hoff
2. Education : Private / Public / Comprehensive / Desk In Corner of Classroom / Broom Cupboard / Street Urchin / School Of Life / Can’t Read This Question
3. Your Personality : Affectionate / Suffocating / Fashionable / Slob Like / Serious / Anal / Shy / Reliable / Boring / Adventurous / Foolhardy / Romantic / Only After One Thing / Practical / Unstable
4. Your Attitudes
Do you prefer town life? Y/N/Of course, I prefer to stay inside and never travel more than two streets away.
Do you like team activities? Y/N/Only naked ones.
Would you cheer and shout ‘Here it is, too good to miss!’ every time before you trumpet? Y/N
Is your idea of a good night a pint, a knee trembler and a kebab? Y/N/Only if it also includes Bingo.
Would you give up your last Rolo? Y/N/Nobody, but nobody takes my last Rolo.
5. Your Interests
Wining / Dining / Astrology / Chimp Scissors / Smoking / Smouldering / Sniffing / Pop Music / Disco Rock Chanting Monk Music / Children / Dragons / Arts / Farts / Drinking / Boozing / Reading / Touching / Watching / Sitting / Mowing / Sleeping / Fondling / Flashing / Politics / Polyfiller / Sports / Homemaking / Getting Married
6. Your Ideal Partner
They would be : Rich, Wealthy, Mega Rich, Billionaire, Royalty, Tramp, Dog Owner
Ideal occupation of your partner : A handsome rich chef butler handy in the trouser department that likes cats, a high class attractive strumpet cook with money into technology, a professional minger, a street sweeper with a heart of gold, a mental artist that spends time writing a hopeless blog and dreams about striped animals in a surreal world where everything is nice, a chocolatier.
Press SUBMIT to continue.
Please wait whilst we find your perfect partner.
After analysing your answers we can now reveal that your perfect partner is CRRRRRRKKKK!!!!
SORRY, OUR LOVE MACHINE IS SUFFERING FROM A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN, INSTEAD WE HAVE SUBMITTED YOUR ANSWERS TO OUR FIND-A-PEST SERVICE INSTEAD, SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE.
After analysing your answers we can now reveal that your perfect pest is a slug.
Slugs have a slimy reputation for being passionate lovers, well groomed they are a whiz in the kitchen when preparing lettuce and resemble liquorish.
Have a great day sluggabug.
If you are reading this on Facebook simply answer questions 3,4,5 and 6 in the comments and we will find your perfect partner!