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Come Valentine With Me

Humpety Bumblebee Valentine Meals

Food is the food of love if you love food and with that special day just around the corner what better to celebrate than with the food of love, food. Here’s several romantic ideas to get your food mojo a tingling.

Carpet Burger

Take three carpet tiles and smother them in batter, quickly dip them in breadcrumbs and lightly fry in a gallon of fat. Place them to one side and take one doormat, slice in two and apply mayonnaise to one side. Carefully stack the fried carpet tiles on the mayonnaise side of the door mat and place the remaining piece of mat on top. Present on a plate with a whole gherkin as decoration on a candle lit table, eat and ravish each other.

Sensual Sausage

It is tradition in most countries to fry the biggest sausage you can find ready for valentines day. The tradition comes from the Saint Porkisword of the Middle Ages who once fed an entire village with one sausage bought from the supermarket. To continue this historical feast first buy a sausage, it should be no less than two feet long (72cm in old money) and contain a minimum of 12% meat. Fry your sausage the night before in lard, no other substitute will do, the lard needs to melt over your lips seductively as you eat.

On Valentines day set the table and lay the sausage down the middle. Sit your sweetheart down and simultaneously you pick up the sausage and start to eat hands free. As you eat you will both be drawn together in slow motion like a sausage bullet time until your faces are so close you can smell the lard, finish eating and ravish each other.

The Party

In preparation decorate your table with a paper tablecloth and supply a conical paper hat for both of you. Place a balloon at each place setting and retire to the kitchen to boil the kettle. Use the hot water to make a jelly and let it set over night. Take a party blower and wrap it in several layers of newspaper and place in the centre of the table. Buy some ice cream.

On the day place a blindfold over your partners eye and lead them to the table, shout surprise as you remove the blindfold and give them the hat. Quickly disappear to the kitchen and scoop jelly and ice cream into bowls, return and serve. When finished hand your partner the newspaper parcel and play some music. Encourage your partner to rip one layer off everytime the music stops. Once the prize is revealed get your partner to blow the party blower into your face until you ravish each other.

Excellent ideas I’m sure you will agree, feel free to add your own, maybe buy several cauliflowers instead of roses, or how about a box of eggs instead of chocolate to show the practice side of you, the ideas are endless. Happy Valentines you ravishing reader you, have you seen my parcel?

Tomorrow, how to celebrate Easter using a tin of boot polish and a comb.


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