Twin seater settee, petrol, only 27,000 miles. Covered in a pink floral fabric this nice little runner has only had one lady owner. Passenger seat springs may need replacing after seeing much action. Good brakes and four good feet, manages sixty at top speed. £2999 o.n.o
Second hand tissue, slightly used, not man sized. Only £2 collection only due to fragile nature.
Painting by Picasso, woman on chair with crossed eyes. Genuine article, signed in biro. £26 million o.n.o
Ageing artist, slightly floppy around the edges with a few wrinkles. Will paint if watched otherwise is lazy. Has delusions of strange animals and stripes. Unwanted gift. 99p or will exchange for a well known celebrity.
Trumpbone, it’s like a trombone but you play it with your bottom. Excellent sliding action, change pitch by squeezing cheeks. Sounds dreamy. £45 Slight burnish on mouthpiece, don’t play after curry night.
Des’O’Connor, behind wheelie bin in Hull city centre. Slightly bent and out of tune, email for details. Quickly please.
Leathery object found at antiques fair, may be David Dickenson. Makes annoying sounds, comes with free set of unfashionable glasses. Will give away if not claimed.
£10 Million. My name is Into Bentito Official of Nijanji and I believe it’s your money. Send name, address, phone, DOB and passport now to claim. Box 37
Disgarded cigarette butt, a few puffs left, shame to let it go. Box 928
Celebrities for household, must be willing to stay for a couple of months and filmed everyday. Not a celebrity? no problem, we now accept any tenuous celebrity link as validation. Contact BB channel 5.
Personality, wit and charm. Willing to trade for elitism and ignorance of the North. D.Cameron, No.10
Magic flute or magic carpet. Good prices paid for working models. No magic lamps or wardrobes to Narnia please.
Uniformed arms specialist willing to work in secret base located in volcano. Good salary and uniform provided. Dr No, Crab Key.
Become a weather person! No experience necessary, simply step outside and state the obvious. Must be willing to lie convincingly and be excited when delivering devastating weather news. Put the wind up them, become a weather person today! BBC
Programmer required to run Power Station, must be able to use Sinclair basic and used to power station to ZX Spectrum interfaces. Joystick operated fuel rod removal, it’s just like a teddy grabber, come along and join in the fun as we get as close to a meltdown as we dare! #ohmygoditnearlyblewup
Sexy foxy seeks foxy sexy for sexy foxy fun. No stoats or badgers please. #foXXXy
Mr Grey seeks well written book. #erotictat
Single male looking for fun, frolickation and tractors. Muck spreader attachment ideal but not necessary. Come and play in my purpose built pig sty. All the hay you can eat and fantastic teats. #mrmcdonald
Fun active guy 100 stone but looks thin seeks 100 stone lady to share a future. Hope to have the first 200 stone child. Have own freezer and deep fat fryer but willing to share.
Blog writer looking for funny material to include, must be absolute drivel to be in with a chance. Contact @Impossimal today.