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Santa Claus,
North Pole,
Somewhere Cold.


Dear Santa,

I know you get lots of these letters but this year I hope you read mine. I have always believed in you even though I pulled off your beard when I was seven and exposed you to be Arthur Crimblecock the local drunk. I still get excited on Christmas Eve and put out a small brandy, mince pie for you and a carrot for Rudolph, bet there’s not many 47 year olds that do that for you. I also went to the trouble of stuffing a cushion up my pyjamas and wearing cotton wool on my face before shouting ‘Ho,Ho,Ho!’ And sitting in the fireplace, although looking back that may have been the drink. Anyway, what’s with all the ‘Ho,Ho,Ho’s’ you keep promising anyway? I still haven’t received my first ‘Ho’ and hope you can rectify that this year.

The reason for me writing to you is I have a few asks that I hope you will be able to help me with…

Do I have to have bloody slippers and socks again? I know I’m getting older but really, I have had them every year since god knows when and don’t think you can make them interesting by jazzing them up by making them look like an animal. I don’t relish walking around with stuffed toys for feet as they clash with the trunk on my elephant underpants you bought me last year.

Is there anyway you can fix it that we have a blanket ban on any Cliff Richard song? Mistletoe And Wine? Misery and whine more like it, what on earth was Cliff thinking about, doesn’t he know that mistletoe is poisonous? He even mentions it in the lyrics!

Dreams of Santa, dreams of snow,

Fingers numb, faces aglow.


First sign of mistletoe poisoning that is; hallucinations, numbness then a burning sensation in your face. He even includes the words ‘silent night’ surely an indication he is pondering lacing the wine with mistletoe berries to ‘silence’ the family.

Here’s a difficult one, can I be allowed this year to punch people that do something stupid, annoy me or just generally interfere in my life whilst using the excuse ‘Come on, it’s Christmas!’ Stupidity is not seasonal.

Get rid of the elves in shopping centre grotto’s, they are creepy beyond belief. Last year we had a spotty yoof (a gangly unkempt youth) dressed in stripy tights, curly shoes and a bobble hat trying desperately to be elf like by eating a foot long subway, smoking and chatting up waiting mothers by uncurling his shoes in a suggestive manner.

Please, please, please stop this bloody obsession with will it be a white Christmas. Can you imagine if it ever comes true? We can’t cope with it when it’s not Christmas, a good fall of snow and the news would be full of ‘Christmas Ruined’ and ‘Families Forced To Spend Christmas Together – Divorce Rates Rise’. Best just let it be.

I always feel disappointed that I don’t get visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future, I’d quite fancy a bit of an adventure on Christmas Eve instead of getting hideously drunk and doing my impression of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer when all the other reindeers snub him by dressing up with coat hanger antlers and running at strangers with a duffel coat draped over me.

I want advent calendars that do not limit me to one chocolate a day, it’s like being in rehab.

An end to inappropriate gifts. The crushing disappointment when everyone else opens a present and is instantly delighted with iPhones, gadgets etc when all you get when you open yours is a pair of underpants wrapped around a comb and having to wear a smile long enough for it to hurt when all you want to do is take a spade to the present giver.

‘Merry Christmas’ by Slade, enough said.

Let me enjoy Christmas, don’t let them play SALE adverts on Christmas Day when I have just bought everything at full price, I don’t want to know I could have saved myself £££’s after maxing out all my credit cards. Also don’t play bloody holiday adverts on Boxing Day at a time when I’m still trying to cope with my distended stomach.

All celebrities who release fitness DVD’s for Christmas should be banned from television for unleashing such misery. They all go back to being fat anyway.

Likewise all the comedians who release DVD’s for Christmas, there’s only so much funny to go around and most of it was worn out years ago. Oh, if you do release one don’t forget to put a few naughty words in it, the public loves it apparently.

That nasally sung song with the words ‘Pa Rum-Pa-Pum-Pum’, what the bloody hell does that mean?

I have lots more to discuss with you Santa, I shall be forwarding my second letter in a few weeks time regarding the festivities, in the mean time I will leave you with a song.

Lidl donkey, Lidl donkey
On the cheap road
Got to keep on flogging onwards
With your bargain load.
Yours Sincerely,
Mr P.Smith


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