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Canny

Morning ladies, as you know I am Canny Fradock the celebrity cook from off the television and whilst I get through my breakfast I am going to teach you how to feed your family the Canny way using my new book Canny Creative Cooking available from all good book shops in 1953.

We all know good cooking starts at home and where better than a well equipped kitchen with all the mod cons.

Here’s Judith, diligently staying at home and chained to the kitchen whilst her brute of a husband takes a well earned business break with his tarty secretary the hussy. Notice how she has got the brand new electric golly-hob, four knobs to expertly vary the rings from off to on and back again, thoughtfully her husband has remembered not to include the kitchen sink as these tend to get blocked and require a plumber and Mr husband knows from his visits to that seedy cinema on the corner what happens to housewives when a plumber visits. Sensible man. The scene is set for domestic bliss, just don’t forget his pipe and slippers, that cellar is awfully dark!

To cook any decent meal you are going to require a set of gay pans, in fact you need as many gay things in your life as possible. Here we have a gay set of pots and pans to grace any kitchen, even that mucky hole that you have Mrs Maude Billowbottom at number twelve. Don’t forget to include a Dial-o-matic pressure cooker, ideal for removing the flesh, skin and gristle from a multitude of animals allowing you to make every meal tender enough for aged relatives with a bonus of removing all flavour too.

Table settings are just as important, here we have a romantic meal for one to help single people feel as if they are being entertained lavishly in the company of friends. Eat a starter at one place setting then move, eat the main course them move again to a different seat, eventually you will have lots of used dishes and a scene that looks like your friends have just popped off for a minute. When you reach the coffee and cigar stage sit back and admire a night of entertainment and salute your three absent friends before weeping dolefully in the kitchen.

Starters should never be small, if you get a small starter in a restaurant immediately demand to see the manager and ask for a main for starter before you start your main. When the main comes demand to see the manager and complain that it looked like your starter then ask for your money back and order pudding.

Anyway this is a delicious nutritious starter you can make at home, I call it the Spudpea-chick-a-wing, a delightful starter comprising of minted tinned peas, potato cheese pushed through a hollowed out corned beef tin and deep fried chicken bones with a coating of sawdust mixed with sand. My mouth is watering already, your husband will love you forever or at least until his next business trip.

For main you need to supply plenty of salt, salt is a natural ingredient that should be lavishly issued on any table. Here I have a small bowl of salt which is adequate for one main meal per person. This delicious salad main is called Meat Mountain with peas. A simple dish to make, all you need is a lettuce, a tomato, tinned peas and of course finely cut squares of liver and luncheon meat combined in a strawberry jelly mold glazed with a beef dripping and decorated with a slice of acelet or tongue. If this doesn’t get your man going nothing will.

If he is still hungry then why not make our Man Flan, this is one impressive dish and uses ground up pedigree chum mixed with a tin of tuna to give a meaty fish surprise with every bite. With a pastry made from chalk and copydex glue this man pleaser will stick to every inch of his ribs and leave him speechless.

Finally pudding and what could be better than a cake which celebrates his hair colour. I’m sure he will be over the moon to receive such a cake letting everyone know that he dyes his hair. See page 273 for recepies to create cakes for blondes, brunettes and even mousy looking hair friends.

That’s it for today’s cooking tips, buy my book please I’m a humble celebrity cook that needs the money to support my ten restaurants, my new gay pan range, the monthly magazine, television spin off programs, my campaign to introduce span fritters and rainbow pudding back into schools, the other campaign I have to rid the world of sandwiches made out of rhubarb, the full microwaveable range of meals that I invented before they had microwaves and all the other activities I do to scrape by on a yearly income of £24 million.

Only £9.99 at all good bookshops today!

 

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