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Cadburys Creme Egg MUST READ!

Cadburys Creme Eggs have a remarkable history since their creation in 1476 which is why news of the apparent ingredient change has caused such uproar here in the UK. But did you know it’s not the first time such a move has caused concern?
In 1598 Sir Reginald Quimby fought a vicious duel using pointy sticks after Sir Walter Wringwater accused Sir Reginald of being a ‘bit of a fop’ for using his tongue to enjoy his Creme Egg. Sir Walter prefered the direct chomp and after a two hour wrestle and fumble Sir Walter had to eat his words as Sir Reginald ‘licked’ him into submission. The dramatic scene was capture and is pictured above.
By 1845 the manufacturing of the Creme Egg was taken so seriously that wars were fought between competing nations for the prestige of producing the delicious delicacy. Above is the aftermath of the ‘Eggy Wars’ a battle between nations leading to great loss of life after the manufacturing country decided to change the wrapper from its original brown paper to foil, a move seen as overtly extravagant. Britain sent over 200,000 troops to defend the change and on the battlefield they flew a foil Union Jack which incidentally uses all the colours from the wrapper we see today.
Order was only restored in 1899 when pipe smoking Sir Dogsbody Whimsy signed the treaty of ‘Stable creamery and chocolaty coating’ cementing the formula and look of the Creme Egg we see today.
To protect the agreement a special squad called the ‘Yokemen Of The Guard’ was created. Wearing the tradional hollowed out chocolate hat is Jimbo Johnson (1900-1945) hidden under the hat is the original Creme Egg recipe. They vowed to uphold the secret and constancy of the Creme Egg until the day they died. Unfortunately they were disbanded in the late 80’s and the secret recipe was accidentally leaked online in the 90’s allowing anybody to recreate the chocolate and fondant filling. Needless to say the market was flooded with inferior eggs. Special egg smashing squads replaced the disbanded Yokemen who had special powers to enter any individuals kitchen suspected of Egg counterfeiting and smash any Creme Egg creation equipment they found.
At its most popular in 1935 a special commemorative Creme Egg was created by the Johnson Foundry in Sheffield. It took over two tons of fondant and was coated in a chocolate shell that was ten inches thick! Unfortunately when it eventually went on display the cabinet specially made by Mr Chippendale was not stress tested and the three ton Creme Egg caused the drawers to collapse sending the egg rolling down the hill into the gathered crowds scattering people like ten pins as it rolled on. Eventually it came to rest twenty six miles away in Hull where it crashed through the wall of a local school. Pupils had to be rescued from a river of fondant some with chocolate shards embedded in their clothes. Creating such a large Creme Egg was never attempted again.
Creme Eggs have a lighter side though, in 1941 Arthur ‘Loopy’ Screwfix after six years managed to piece together half of the remains of the 1935 commemorative egg to make himself a sea going vessel. It was stuck together using toffee to give a hardened finish and coated in treacle to stop water damage. Arthur eventually crossed the channel in his eggy boat to a rapturous reception. Unfortunately a few years later Arthur tried to find the source of the Amazon and fell fowl to the Honeycomber Tribe who took exception to Arthur’s confectionary transport and sacrificed him to their God Crunchiemunchie. His boat was melted down to make a shrine for Crunchiemunchie and offers of the sacred honeycomb, an aeriated toffee substance was placed inside. Incidentally when this shrine was discovered many years later with its honeycomb centre and chocolate coating a well known confectionary chocolate bar was born. The Twix was created to celebrate Arthur’s last gesture of two fingers before they beat him to death with his shoe.
Official guides were issued in 1924 to help combat ‘Megging’ or mugging for Creme eggs which had reached such epidemic proportions when the price of Creme Eggs sky rocketed due to the Government insisting that half a dozen Creme Eggs was actually five and not six. Show above is the ‘Yolk Hold’ or how to mame a potential Megger with several swift moves to the under meat area.

Warning should be taken from history, in 1965 the Creme Egg recipe was changed without the publics knowledge. An inferior chocolate was used for its outer casing and the resulting riots saw over a thousand corner shops raised to the ground by pitchfork and torch bearing crowds before the manufacturing company saw sense and returned back to the old recipe. Above is the scene of one of the worst when A.Tatlocks of Rum Street was ransacked after the discovery that the new type of Creme eggs had been sneaked into his Easter display hoping to avoid discovery. All that was left was Mr Tatlocks piano, he was never seen again.

Finally I’ll leave you with a prediction from Nostaradamus who foretold of events for 2015 that seem eerily apt at the moment…

‘Be eth thy egg, for ’twas thy change that wouldst cause great strife and calamity for forty days and nights until it restoreth as a righteous treat in thy eyes. Disaster be thy five egg dozen betwix thy inferior charlatan coating, tis the work of Belzebul himself, consider thy future carefully.’

Nostradamus 1627

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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