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Body Of A Biscuit Barrel

Forget expensive weights and gym equipment now you can perform the miracles of Kettlercise in your own home using household equipment.

You will need : A blanket, two electric kettles full of water, a packet of hobnobs.

Exercise number one – The Tea Toner

Take the blanket and wrap it around your middle like a sarong, this will help to increas circulation for this routine. Holding a kettle in each hand raise your right hand so it’s horizontal and your left foot forward. Switch this position to left hand horizontal and right foot forward and then back again. This is the basic move for the tea toner, all you need now is the tea toner song.

Fancy a brew,brew,brew?

Tea for two,two,two?

How about you, you,you?

Don’t let it stew,stew,stew.

Perform the tea toner move every time to hit the repetition at the end of each line, in between lines squat down and leap up like a tiger shouting ‘I’m a little teapot!’ Don’t forget to pump those arms! Beginners are allowed to only half fill their kettles. Experts may use boiling water. Perform this whilst making tea for family and friends, they are sure to be impressed.

Exercise number two – Crouching Spoon, Hidden Teabag

Starting upright hold one full kettle firmly, as you shout out each line twirl the kettle around your head like a baton twirling exercise. Every second line starting with ‘in the mug’ crouch down and flick out your legs like Russian dancers would, do not use your arms to steady yourself, instead carry on twirling the kettle around your head like a lasso. Repeat for both arms.

Where’s the sugar?

In the mug

Where’s the milk,

In a jug

Where’s the teabag?

Over there looking smug

Mug, jug, smug, jug,mug (repeat five times as fast as possible whilst thrusting your hips and holding your kettle with both hands behind your back)

This is great for working the abdominal area whilst the rampant thrusting allows you to clench those buttocks into a bodybuilding pose called the nipper, basically you will be able to retrieve dropped items using only your butt cheeks.

Final exercise – The Power Dunker

Unwrap your hobnobs and lay them out in a straight line, each must be one foot away from the other until you have a twenty foot line of hobnobs. Make a brew and place this five foot away from the last hobnob. Starting at the furthest hobnob from the steaming cup of tea tie both kettles to your ankles using shoelaces. This is a stamina test, you must pick up each hobnob without using your hands, take it to the tea, dunk it then eat it. Each hobnob must be dunked for three seconds, to help here’s a handy ditty for you to recite.

Dunk, one, two, three (repeat for each hobnob)

This exercise will build up your leg muscles and strengthen your back until you have a stomach called by experts ‘the biscuit barrel’

There you have it, a handy exercise routine you can do at home to give you a real biscuit body full of sugary delights and tea-tosterone.

Happy dunking!


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