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Blogbuster XXX

During the writing of today’s blog the reader should be aware that a number of errors have been made, please refer below to avoid confusion.

Paragraph 3 line 6
It’s should read ‘Before removing clothes make sure you have enough Dairy Lea in the fridge’
Paragraph 5 line 22
Add ‘then carefully insert your sausage watching you don’t hit the sides.’
Page 5
There is no page 5, instead refer to page 5.

Thankyou for you attention, please read on.

DO IT YOURSELF BLOCKBUSTER

For this you will need a video camera, some recording equipment like a tape deck and access to a few actors. These can be found at theatres and celebrity events. Be careful, some act but cannot act whilst others are talentless, choose your actors carefully. If they are more renowned for singing they are not actors and should be avoided if possible.

Find a place to film, it’s going to take a while to complete so make sure it’s something that you can return to every day. Location is key, so if you choose something like a bus stop or a telephone booth to film in make sure that it’s in an exotic location like Rochdale or Hull to add a bit of glamour.

Take care of your actors and crew by providing a craft service. Although this normally means laying on a good spread of food be a little different and offer your actors and crew the chance to take up a new craft like needle pointing and clay pot throwing, I’m sure they will love the difference.
Writers and art directors should also be avoided, they are unnecessary flouncy people that will interfere with your creation. Artists especially should be avoided and added to the problem actors pile along with anybody who writes, especially if they write a blog.
Buy yourself one of those foldy directors chairs and have your name stencilled on the back and you are ready!
SCRIPTS
A good script is key to a blockbuster, the back of cigarette packets make excellent places to scribble down scripts as do fluorescent post-it notes. Write any dialogue for your actors on the back of their hands, it avoids the problem of script learning and they can turn up on the day and learn ‘on the fly’ as the call it in luvvie land.
To help you with your script here’s a few Joyce and Stan based examples to copy and paste into your own work.
COMEDY
Joyce works at a fish and chip shop when in walks Stan looking for something for his supper. Stan orders fish, chips and a battered saveloy. Confusion abounds when Joyce offers him a battered beefburger instead. They both laugh.
WHY DOES THIS WORK?
This scene is an excellent example of placing the viewer in a COMMON situation, expand on this to fill two hours of footage and you will have a winner.
ACTION
Stan is at the top a ladder cleaning his windows, Joyce is a passerby and inadvertantly walks UNDER the ladder. Stan in surprise drops his bucket. It misses Joyce by inches and Stan shouts down ‘Sorry Love’
WHY DOES THIS WORK?
The inclusion of DRAMA as the bucket falls causes TENSION in the audience and pretty soon they will be on the edge of their seats. Pad out with two hours of extra footage and you have a winner.
ROMANCE
Joyce works on a vegetable market stall and is unpacking a consignment of melons. Stan acts as a customer and points at two of the melons. ‘Nice pair’ says Stan. Joyce blushes and says ‘Thankyou, they are very firm’. Stan smiles and licks his lips.
WHY DOES THIS WORK
When two people meet for the very first time it can be a DRAMATIC moment filled with HOPES and DREAMS. Filmgoers are used to high romantic drama like this so will key into its premise straight away. Add in plenty of shots of the area and concentrate on close ups for two hours and you have a winner.
SEQUEL
Take any film and shoot a sequel, be it number 2,3,4 or even 7!
HOW DOES THIS WORK?
Filmgoers are SUCKERS for a sequel, the more you can get away with the better and just when you think you have done enough sequels make a PREQUEL, gets them everytime.
ENDING
Make sure your film has killer ending that is completely unexpected, if it’s a love story kill all the characters off with a freak meteor shower. If it’s a horror story get the killer to suddenly recant their ways and marry the lead actor. For adult films let the plumber fix the sink for once. For Inception type of films simply loop the film around again so it restarts without anyone knowing, you can keep them in the cinema for days. Don’t forget endings can also ruin films, take Titanic for example; it had Leonardo DeCaprio in it.

Well done, you should now be armed with enough insider knowledge to crack Hollywood, all you need now is finance. Approach your friendly bank manager who should be more than happy to help you to the tune of a few million, after all they made enough from the undervalued Post Office sale.

Congratulations you are now fully conversant in ‘Filmology’ buy yourself a big fat cigar to celebrate your good fortune.

Ready, steady, action! (Feel free to use this, it signifies that something is ready for action and is ‘film’ speak)

Other useful words for the film industry
CAMERA GRIP (wannabe actor)
FLUFFER (failed actor)
RUNNER (failed actor)
A TARENTINO (a swearing potty mouth failed actor)
FOP (failed actor)
PROP (failed actor)
EXTRA (failed actor)
A SPIELBERG (they look like ET and that’s why they are a failed actor, Gail Tilsley)

 

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