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Big Dogs Cockerels

Why has my Satnav developed a speech impediment?

I mentioned this the other week but it seems to be getting worse. It’s not a corrupted sound file either instead it’s replacing all the R’s with R’ing so Birmingham becomes Biringmingham but it still pronounces the word road perfectly. It’s awfully annoying to have to try and work out what it’s saying as it keeps spluttering out garbled messages.

Take the next R’ingight, You have R’ingeached youR’inge destination.

Yesterday it had the audacity to pronounce Mablethorpe as MablethoR’ingpe which actually sounded like Mable-tho-ring-peeeee, it actually inserted a pause after the R’ing then proudly shouted out Peeeeee! It’s all getting rather embarassing, I’m just glad I’m not going to Scunthorpe or we really could be in trouble. The last thing I need a Tourette’s suffering Satnav. On a side note, Tourette’s is a difficult problem to handle and I’m not in any way belittling the condition but a few days ago I was in a local supermarket when from out of the blue I was tapped on the shoulder and a large butternut squash was thrust infront of my face with the words ‘It’s a f@&king big dogs c@ck!’ shouted at deafening levels in my ear. I have no experience of Tourette’s and can only imagine the problems it can cause but at that very moment I smiled, said ‘hmmm’ and ashamedly squirmed inside whilst quietly agreeing it did indeed resemble such a dangling object.

Anyway, less of my daily personal hell and let me tell you another peculiarity that I have and that is smell.

Eating anything is always difficult, my sense of smell you see is very selective so I enjoy most food by texture and minimal taste. I know, weird isn’t it? It must be something due to the same reason that at times I can place my finger on the side of my nose and squirt water through my tear ducts. OK this is getting a bit weird now and please don’t ask me to squirt in a gallery. My sense of smell is restricted to a certain level of smell such as natural gas, petrol, tarmac and the like, give me anything sweet to smell and my senses switch off. It’s all rather awkward when we are out and about as Jayne will smell the flowers and I will smell the farmyard manure pile half a mile away.

I’m rambling aren’t I?

All this has been a long winded attempt to tell you that I am safely back in the studio and painting away after fruitlessly trying to get away from everything for a few days. Yesterday I managed twenty minutes of absolute peace and quiet on of all things a sand train, a train that cruises up and down a beach at the waters edge and nice it was too, we were the only passengers and the sun shone on a lovely day. Saw a few donkeys, made a small sandcastle and was hit by a reversing car driven by a turtle in a polo neck so all in all not a bad day. Oh, nearly forgot, attacked by a mob of seagulls after somebody threw a chip at me and witnessed a brown dog wearing a green neckerchief have a barking fit at bags of candy floss that I was standing near further confirming that I’m all part of a celestial comedy that’s being beamed out there somewhere in the universe.

So basically back to normal, don’t forget this weekend we bring our particular brand of strangeness to Castle Galleries in the Trafford Centre, Manchester. We will be there this Saturday, 27th September between 12-3pm so come along to meet us both at this free event. All the latest Impossimals will be there along with Mrs Smith’s latest creations just don’t forget to not bring along seagulls, chips and driving turtles and we will be fine!


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