Harry Potter And The Broken Dream by Kash Indabank
Harry’s adventures continue in book number XXVII when he breaks his nose running into platform 9 3/4 and discovers to his dismay that all the other books were lies, he had in fact been inebriated for the last ten years. His owl was a mop head he had found in a skip, his wand a disused lollypop stick and his magical cloak an old bin bag that smelt of stale lemons. Hogwarts was in fact the local pub where he had been turning up for magical potion lessons (drinking) everyday until something magical happened (he was unable to walk) and he could talk in spell-speak (slurred stringing together of words). Hermione was a mangy old dog with long hair that accompanied him to the pub and the mark on his head was a wound from the last time he had ten pints and rode a shopping trolley home.
The book concludes with a psychiatrist session in which Harry is sectioned and locked in a padded room with only a felt tip for company.
Finally a conclusion. 1/10
Fifty More Shades Of Grey by Derty Cow.
Stupidly named something ‘Steele’ a young girl meets the mysterious Mr Grey who is filling a Kit-Kat machine at the local gym. Suggestively she asks about the size of his Crunchie to which Mr Grey offers to show her his Toblerone instead. After a steamy Turkish Delight exchange over the counter at Woolworths Mr Grey suggests they should get a room and hints at a darker secret; he enjoys 60% coco solids and Malteasers.
Stupidly she goes along with his suggestion only to realise too late that he is a chocoholic. Soon she is dragged into his sordid world forced to sign a coco solid disclosure agreement and tied to a machine that dispenses chocolate bars which she is forced to eat, many of which she had never tried before. Mr Grey in the meantime gorges himself on Toffefee and Haribos whilst watching her, occasionally he spanks himself with a Curlywurly.
I won’t spoil the ending for you other than they needed a reinforced trolley to remove her massive bulk from the house and Mr Grey ends up being lavishly sick after eating far too many After Eight mints.
Don’t read when your hungry. 7/10
The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Ivor Biggun.
A huge hundred legged beast terrorises New York City in an epic battle between good and evil. Most of the city is laid to waste, millions perish as the caterpillar consumes mouthfuls of flesh spraying blood and sinew for miles. Full illustrated with terrifying realism and scenes of disturbing imagery making it an ideal starter book for the under fives.
Check out page five with the ominous words ‘…but he was still hungry.’ with its gory illustration showing the aftermath of its rampage in Central Park, gut wrenching.
Under Fives Book Of The Year 10/10
The Da Vinci Code by Mr Brown
Discover why in the last supper nobody used the other side of the table, I mean, all that space and they cram all on one side it’s so idiotic there must be a code in there somewhere. Oh, there is, it’s called stupidity. Spoilt that one for you didn’t I? Anyway, the book is about some silly code and a monk who does unspeakable things with a hose pipe when nobodies looking. Lots of chasing about coupled with conspiracy theories to get you conspiring theoretically. We all know that we didn’t land on the moon, it was all filmed in the back garden of a house in Cricklewood and that the Internet is a portal that allows moon cats to watch our every move. Why do you think there is so many photos of them on there? We are being programmed I tell you, programmed into accepting King Moon Cat III as our illustrious leader. All hail the Moon Cat! Moon Pig is the false prophet trying to take the throne, take heed before it’s too late!
Interesting if somewhat uninspired read 3/10
A History Of Artists Appearances by P.Smith
A piece of blatant publicity passing itself off as a novel, I’ll give you of an example, here’s page five for instance…
“Meet us both at the following FREE events this weekend, all welcome!
Saturday 25th October
Castle Galleries, Solihull between 1-4pm
Sunday 26th October
The Original Art Shop, Hanley between 12-3pm”
Utter rubbish, I for one will be turning up at these events to show my displeasure and you should do the same, it’s shameful, if I wanted to watch adverts I would watch adverts not read a novel for an advert. Whatever next, pop up books with adverts? I’m sure this idiot has already thought of those. Get yourself along to one of these events this weekend just to see what an idiot looks like, you won’t be disappointed.
Whilst we are at it come along and join us on our Google+ page here that seems to be getting loads of views at the moment, it’s early days and quite boring so it’s full of nothing but it’s all about to get prettier and shinier as we get used to the way it works and start to post some mildly amusing Impossimal things.
Have a great weekend!
Don’t forget to put your clocks back this weekend and take advantage of our clock setting service, just bring along any clock to either event and we will put it back one hour absolutely FREE and you can take that to the bank!