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Bertha Thruppennybits

My name is Bertha Thruppennybits, clairvoyant to the stars. I have predicted the future for many famous names including Captain Birdseye and Thomas The Tank Engine to name but a few, all of which has come true. Captain Birdseye did eventually get older as I predicted and Thomas likes shunting as I said he would.

I’m here today to predict your future, I have already pulled out my lucky bag and randomly chosen six numbers. Chose one carefully that attracts you to it and read your future below.

1 69 7 102937362 0.5 300

If you picked 1

Lonely old number isn’t it? You will meet your future partner this lunchtime after being caught snogging the vacuum cleaner whilst wearing mittens. They will escort you out of the shop and you will immediately fall in love. Your whirlwind romance will last for two years until they confess that they have fallen in love with a Dyson Ball Cleaner. Devastated you confide in a Henry Hoover who takes advantage of your desperate position by showing you his nozzle attachment and powerful sucking action. Depressed you decide to have a fling with a fridge freezer but it all ends in a frost relationship after two weeks. Eventually you find true love in a Moulinex Master Blender and you live happily ever after whipping up a storm and the ocassional batter.

If you picked 69

Filthy, filthy, filthy person. Choose again.

If you picked 7

Lucky seven, you will win the lottery using these numbers 1,2,3,4,5,6 on Saturday and become the biggest winner in history with a staggering £140 million. You then use your knowledge of mathematical odds and buy 14 million lottery tickets every week for ten weeks guaranteeing a jackpot win every time. Your fortune amasses to £999,999,999,999,999,999 by the end of 2014. Unfortunately the bank where you hold your wealth has a bug in the online banking software and cannot compute any higher so rolls over to leave you with a hefty £0. The bank refuses to take the blame and you are thrown out on to the streets. Just then you get an email from a Nigerian prince who has been looking for you as he has a diplomatic package containing money to share. It turns out to be an eccentric billionaire who has been emailing people for years but nobody takes him seriously. You do and he gives you ten billion dollars. You bet it all on the grand national horse Cupid Stunt and it wins! Your win bankrupts the entire betting system distabalising all the Bingo halls which undermines the recent Budget changes causing the government to take heavy losses who come to you for a loan. You tell them to flick off and buy an island in the Caribbean where you find a long lost stash of pirate treasure worth £999,999,999,999,999,999. You hide all your money under the mattress for safe keeping only allowing yourself a few quid each week to go out and spoil yourself. You live until the ripe old age of 999 you lucky, lucky blasted.

If you picked 102937363

You are a pedant. But not a very good one because the number above is not the one you selected you ace hole. Go out and count trains or something.

If you picked 0.5

Why? No, really, why? It essentially means your only half as good as you think doing anything. You only put half the effort in and have half the attention span that makes it difficult to Ooooh, look, a butterfly, la,la,la!

If you picked 300

Tonight you dine in hell. Stupid spellcheck, tonight you dine in Hull, same difference if you see what I mean. During your meal you notice one of your peas is slightly over cooked. You call over the waiter who cannot see your point of view and refuses to admit the pea is overdone. ‘This is madness’ says the waiter to which you reply ‘Madness? No, this is Sparta!’ then you tip over the table before commanding your 299 fellow table diners to prepare for glory and storm the kitchens. You and your army gets thrown out for not wearing ties and for flaunting your undercarriage to lady guests. You vow never to go in a McDonalds again and instead take your fight to Burgerking where you successfully create the first 300 burger containing a hundred dead Saracens with a medusa topping all wrapped in a sesame bun.


Bertha writes a regular column for Popular Caravanning For Dogs and is president of the Crab Rehabilitation Centre. She has predicted many events through her use of tea leaf numerology the latest being the stunning prediction that the Internet will collapse in on itself in 2015 when the sheer weight of cat pictures and crap Peter Smith blog entries forces it to disappear up its own ace hole.


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