Snow, you would never have guessed it would you but they have told us to expect a few inches this weekend but then again I have been promised that before and disappointed, you lot really do have dirty minds don’t you? It’s bought on a bit of a nostalgic streak as I really don’t enjoy snow but every time I’m reminded of an episode many years ago from my school days when I sat looking out of the window during a particularly snowy break time.
I say looking, I was actually pressed up against the window mouth open agog at what I saw. A group of pupils rolling very large balls of snow into position at the base of a very large tallywhacker. It was enormous, well over seven feet high, the balls alone looked around three feet each and it was taking four to roll them because they were so heavy. Impressive. Not so impressive for the teacher who looked out of the window and foolishly decided to put an end to their snow erection. Out he went in his patent brown shoes, completely unsuitable for snow if you ask me, and the pupils scattered leaving teacher with no culprits to apprehend but a very large phallic object to deal with.
What did he do? Well he did the best thing he could, he launched into it with his shoes, kicking it and generally trying to destabilise it. The balls took some demolishing but the rest, after one kick too far, came tumbling down only to knock him over.
What did you do today at school? Well, we had English, Physics and I watched my maths teacher kick the hell out of a seven foot cock and balls before he got crushed by a snow penis. Really, you couldn’t write it could you. Anyway, why am I telling you of this, ah, I remember. I hated snow at school.
As soon as a little snow fell you knew that as you moved between lessons and you had to venture outside to move between buildings some jolly fellow was either going to throw a snowball at you or stuff snow down the back of your neck. I dreaded it every year, this particular year was no exception, the snow had fallen heavily and I had already received my fair share of snow attacks. So gingerly I started to go to my next lesson seeing ahead that fellow pupils were being treated to a snowball barrage as they approached. One pupil in particular was absolutely loving it, pelting everybody into submission and beyond, even when they were curled up on the floor he carried on, not nice.
There are moments in your life that are pure beauty, moments that are so exquisite you recollect them later with a fondness, this is one such moment.
I approached cautiously using my bag as a shield, it didn’t help much, snowballs ricocheted off my bag, trousers and the top of my head until one hit me squarely on the cheek. I don’t know what happened but something inside me snapped, time seemed to slow down as all the anger started to focus my brain on defending myself. My bag became a shield and just like in the Matrix clarity abounded and effortlessly I started to deflect every snowball, not only that I started to approach the snow bully to which he turned and run to a safe distance. This angered me more so I dropped the bag and reached down to make the biggest snowball I could, I was going to hit him and hit him hard with a snowball packed with all the injustice he had served on my fellow pupils.
I rose back up holding my super snowball and took aim, I started to walk toward him too. Sensing something was amiss he dropped to his knees to gather enough snow to out snowball me. I took aim an threw it.
Actually I didn’t, I slipped instead as I threw, the snowball instead of hitting my opponent sailed aimlessly high into the air as I fell backwards. From my horizontal position I lifted my head to see the bully laughing, still on his knees. A big hearty laugh that you know as a child will stay with you for the rest of your life.
Then it hit.
The snowball by some lucky fluke had managed to return to earth at a shattering speed to hit my assailant square in the booty box as he knelt on the ground. His laugh froze, his hands went to his crotch and he keeled over. Cue rapturous applause, standing ovations etc. Justice had been served.
I’d like to say that all was fine after that but due to my fortunate or unfortunate take down of said pupil I was reported for throwing snowballs, my bully however got off scot free apart from his bruised ego and nether regions, such is life.
Like I said, I hated snow at school but if you are a teacher and you are planning on kicking down any seven foot cock and balls today please for heavens sake wear sensible footwear.