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Are you one of those strange weirdos called an artist? Take our handy pocket quiz to find out.

1. You are standing in the post office queue when you notice the lady in front has purple hair, how do you react?

A) You start to cry uncontrollably after you realise the purple is crimson based and doesn’t match her green top, you are unwilling to accept such a misguided sense of colour. Your angst lasts all day and you are unable to paint.

B) Tapping the lady on the shoulder you ask her if she knows who you are, if she doesn’t you throw an almighty strop and bemoan the philistine for not understanding your artwork or the pain and suffering you have put into your work. Your anger lasts all day and you are unable to create for a week.

C) A lack of confidence makes you suffer in silence afraid to comment as you hate critism and judgement, your black mood remains all day and you are unable to come up with anything creative for a month. You punish yourself by telling yourself you are no good and contemplate giving up trying to be an artist completely.

D) You recognise her as the lady from No.9 and ask her if she still needs two pints on Tuesday.

2. You stand looking at a blank canvas on your easel, do you paint…

A) Anything as long as you have battled with your conscious over what colours to use. After six hours you have mixed the perfect grey only to realise it looks out of place on a white canvas so you declare the work unfinished dross and storm out of the studio. You mood lasts a month and you are unable to paint.

B) Taking your most expensive brush you dip it in a tub of poster paint and paint a single line. It’s framed and you take it along to your local gallery with a price tag of £££ and a fancy name like ‘Childhood Dreams Of Conformity’ inadvertently you overhear someone in the gallery say the terrible words ‘I could do that’ and you fly into a rage. Do (punch!) you (punch!) know (punch!) who (punch!) I am? (punch!) you ask as you lay into them. You leave the gallery tired and emotional and refuse to paint again for the rest of your life.

C) The blank canvas scares you and you become more and more afraid to start because of previous critism of your work as somebody once said one of your paintings was nice and you didn’t believe them.

D) You leave the room instead not really understanding why there is a blank canvas in your house and climb into your milk float.

3) Driving past an art gallery you see an exhibition from a fellow artist, do you…

A) Walk in and criticise the colour work in a loud voice, only an amateur would use colour combinations such as these you think to yourself. You return home in a dark mood convincing yourself it should have been you with the fancy exhibition and remain in this bad mood for a year unable to create.

B) As you enter you shout ‘Ha! What a load of rubbish, who do they think they are, I’m the real artist here. Do you know who I am?’ You strut around self importantly and scribble your signature on a bystanders forehead declaring ‘I think you will find that’s worth more than this dross.’ Returning home you smash up your easel and snap all your brushes in a fit of pique and refuse to create anything beautiful again.

C) You enter and you are overwhelmed knowing that you will never ever be an artist, instead you go back home and decide its best to keep it as an hobby as you are not really very good no matter what others say.

D) You carry on driving as it’s only 5:30am and really you don’t know the chap who has the exhibition you only deliver milk to him.

Mostly A’s

Commiserations you are an artist.

Mostly B’s

Commiserations you are an artist although arseist would be better in your case.

Mostly C’s

Commiserations you are an artist.

Mostly D’s

Congratulations, you do a great job and are not an artist, you are a milkman!


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