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find me some juicy titbits

Arty Farty Cooking Party

If anybody has any great ways to barbecue tuna please let me know, I’m at my wits end trying to find a mildly exciting way to cook it. I have looked through cookbook after cookbook but everything I find basically tells you how to make something to go with it and leaves the cooking of the tuna down to ‘rub in oil, season and cook to taste’ surely there is something else you can do.

Anyway, cookbooks get on my nerves, gone are the days of plain old instructions, in are fancy pictures accompanied by even fancier text. Here’s an example, “Place everything in a bowl and season”, that is what it should say, instead we are treated to “Carefully scrape everything off the board into a NICE serving bowl…Season and balance the flavours CONFIDENTLY”. Nice and confidentially is what you do in a job interview, what if I haven’t got a nice bowl, anyway just what constitutes a nice bowl in the first place. I have one without a chip will that do? How do you season confidently? Do you purposely strut up to the bowl and pretend there’s a camera in the room? “Salt!” You announce, “Pepper!” you shout as you pull Percy Pepper out from under the table. “Look everybody, I know how to season!” You announce to the world then look around to see who is watching your confidence before flicking your head pony style and strutting off to the sink.

Then there’s the flowery words to get past in most of the recipies; drizzle, oozy, crushed, stodgy, dripping, all used to describe food preparation when really they are more likely to be found in clinics specialising in rude bits. No, cookery books are more lifestyle books, normally an unobtainable lifestyle that even the chefs don’t reach. I have just read a massive article about making your own custard and how the vanilla pods should be selected only to reach the end and be told that Birds custard is just as good, I mean, come on make your mind up!

So whilst I’m waiting for all your gorgeous barbecue tuna recipies to pour in here’s a special one of mine.

Cheese, Cucumber and Brown Sauce Sandwiches


White bread, HP sauce, cheese, cucumber, butter

Spread butter on bread, cut cheese to fit bread and add slices of cucumber. Squeeze on HP sauce, cut and eat.

Not very exciting is it? Lets sex it up a little.

Farmhouse Vintage Cheddar With Cucumber And Spicy Sauce


Artisan bread, Finest farmhouse vintage cheddar, organic cucumber, your choice of spicy sauce, freshly churned pat of butter.

Carefully slice your artisan bread into two equal slices using a sharp knife to your required thickness, I prefer about a centimetre thick but you make like it a little thicker. Using a butter knife spread the pat of butter so it reaches all four corners of the slices, don’t be skimpy! Use a cheese grater carefully to create little curls of your vintage cheddar, this will help stimulate your senses with the heady aroma of quality cheese. Sprinkle these over one of the buttered slices, again to your own personal thickness and gently pat down. A little salt sprinkled over at this stage will enhance your food.

Cut your cucumber into thin slices and carefully place them over the top of your cheese. Take your spicy sauce, I prefer HP but other brands are available and just as nice, drizzle it slowly over the cucumber. Savour this moment, the heady aromas will smell sublime.

Place the remaining slice butter side down on top of your assembled food, press lightly and cut into four triangular slices to taste. Place these on a nice plate with confidence, pour yourself a glass of Pimms and retire to your study to enjoy in the peace and quiet of your own estate.

My new cookbook “Arty Farty Food” is full of flowery words, available at most retailers from Monday. Recipies include “Hot Crispy Surprise” (chip buttie) and the magnificent “Fabulous Frozen Queen Of Puddings” (Jelly and ice cream) only £19.99

I’m also releasing a set of pan and cookware to go with it and possibly opening up a tea room, seventeen restaurants, an organic shop, starting a Arty Farty At Home party and taking over a seaside town before bringing out several hundred more books to help you diet, eat lots, keep fit and enjoy baking all in a vintage manner.

Ahem. I feel better now.


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