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Arthur Mullards Used Donkey


1987 Large Donkey

1040cc, one lady owner, good runner, full service history £4995 ono.

1998 Giraffe Convertible

Nice little family giraffe comes complete with fitted high seat, excellent full pattern bodywork £5995

1975 Vintage Gnu

Low mileage, twin horns, immaculate condition and reliable, easy to park. £3995


Two large marrows, ideal for phallic vegetable arranging or just to impress girls. Optional melons available whilst stocks last. £10 the pair, will split for hairy coconuts.

Wolf proof house of straw construction. Sale due to relocation to a house of wood, contact Three Little Pigs on 0726-Blowmyhousedown. £25

Tombola ticket, face value 10p but willing to sell this potential winner for £1, prizes include tins of beans, odd socks and a packet of Polo’s. You could be a winner! Ticket holder must be willing to travel to St Stephens Church Hall on the day of the jumble sale.

Tiger Feet single by the band Mud, selling due to contractual problems. Contact Showaddywaddy sometime during the 70’s

Cat Aerials, cunningly designed aerials to deter unwanted birds from landing, includes cat cot should you decide to upgrade to a real cat with our hydraulic lifting mechanism to place your cat securely in the cot.


Plumber, Ideal to service your old boiler, as seen in sordid cinemas. Guaranteed to always be on the job. Clothing optional, does not include BDSMUYAR or FCGHIZ scenes.

Electrician, Experienced sparky still smouldering from the last job but capable of fitting light bulbs and plugging things in. Unfortunately the shakes make taking on large jobs like actually fitting a plug problematic but willing to flick switches etc on demand.


Shandy Drinkers required for top shandy specialist, applicants must be fully converse with shandy etiquette. Possibility of Snakebite overtime. No Guinness drinkers please, we are still trying to get the toilet clean from last time. Contact Shady Handy Shandy today.

Earn £££ at home, learn to grow animal appendages on your own body. You can really have a trunk in your trousers. Real udders a speciality for all you ladies. Tail2trunk.com.uk


Male, 40’s, groomed, well built gentleman with old fashioned respectable values looking for that special lady’s with big knockers who goes like the clappers. BOX 82

Male, 89, Goes like the clappers but has creases. Intrigued? Preferred age 20, will consider 21 if blond.

Male, 34, Has own push bike and bike clips, looking for first girlfriend after being scared off in the 90’s when I realised it wasn’t a hedgehog.

Male, kinky muscular giant, loaded, looking for cross dressing bodybuilding professional wrestler to socialise with a group of like minded friends. Nothing weird. Ring and leotards supplied (cleaned between bouts)

Female, 50, professional drinker, NSFW, OMG, LOL, interests include pubs, clubs, off license etc.

Female, 39, Good looking if a bit bingo around the edges but has excellent back doors and windows.


Magic Purse found at the bottom of Plumbton Lane, contents include £2 in change, a pen, two lipsticks, a six foot ladder, boxing gloves, a Ford Mondeo and three dancing sheep. Contact 12712-121521-99

Would the person who caught the 12:05pm bus yesterday at the bus station please contact me. You were really ugly and I want to tell you in person.

Disused bag of chips and half a fish cake found left outside the chip shop, contact if you wish for them to be returned. If unclaimed in two days time they will be donated to charity.

Did anyone notice a horrible smell last night? I though it was the dog as he has some terrible farts but it wasn’t. I wretched violently until nine’o’clock then I went to bed. If you can enlighten me contact 2666-526647-783


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