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Accident Helpline


Did you know that since the beginning of April we have been statistically in the, and I quote, ‘Non Fatal Home Accident’ season.

Sounds quite cheery doesn’t it? But what exactly are the odds of having a ‘happy’ accident? Well in 1999 for example 99,000 people had an accident doing DIY, such as electrical repairs, decorating, maintenance or carpentry, so when put it into perspective with an estimated population of 58,789,194 it gives you a 1 in 594 chance of appearing on a video accident clip show so probably best not to rely on it as an income.

The thing that amazes me though is the concentration on DIY accidents, some of the other statistics are a lot more interesting.

The 23rd Annual Report of the Home Accident Surveillance System (HASS) shows that 96,000 people attended A & E after an accident occurred while they were sleeping, relaxing, sitting or lying down. Lets think about that for a while, all those tasks involved nothing more than not moving, what the hell happened?  So statistically I’m close to coming a cropper while I write this blog, maybe I should go outside and juggle the occasional chain saw to make it really worth while. See the risks I take writing this stuff?

In the same report 438,000 people had an accident while walking or simply moving through their house or garden. I like the word moving, like you really have a choice other than walking through your house most of the time. Maybe that’s the problem and I really should stop unicycling down the stairs, either that or start fastening cushions around my middle as a crash aid. Dinners ready? Won’t be a minute, I’m just ‘moving’ to the kitchen. I wonder if you go from room to room adopting a different dance in each one you can be considered to move in mysterious ways?

Here’s a kicker, shopping centres/markets accounted for 58,000 accidents whilst only 42,000 accidents occurred in a bar. See, shopping is a lot more hazardous. I’ll have a double please!

The report breaks all this down into the minutest detail, did you know 62 people got clobbered by a bean bag, that must be one mean bag. Eight people were injured by a pelmet. Do you realise how difficult that is to do? A pelmet is a board placed above a window, used to conceal curtain fixtures what were they doing? triple backflips in the lounge on their new Wii-Trampoline or were they just exceptionally tall and clumsy?

Duvet’s attacked 153 people and cuddled them into an injury, unfortunately it doesn’t reveal the tog rating of them or whether the tog rating is actually a danger rating. One unlucky individual ended up in A&E after an altercation with a napkin, wouldn’t you loved to have been there to see that one? Pesky place mats injured seven whilst towels, the savage beasts, accounted for 152 attacks making them only marginally less dangerous than duvets.

Moving into the kitchen things look grim. We all know the dangers of sharp knifes and broken glass but lurking way in there looking all innocent is the spoon. A whopping 97 confirmed attacks with a national average of 1774. I guess they were all being used for something other than scooping ice cream and stirring your tea, I mean spoons aren’t the most lethal looking tool in the kitchen so just what scooping injuries did they cause? No don’t go there, I just read the next bit to do with orifices and it made me sick.

Other ‘items’ considered dangerous include bread bins (5 confirmed), colanders (another 5 down) and one unfortunate individual who was taken down by a set of kitchen scales and seven fell to a dust pan.

Let’s take a stroll in the garden, quick, watch out! It’s a jungle out there, bird baths took 294 of us out whilst rakes did 894, flowerpots 237, hose 98 watering cans 33 and seed trays injured seven.

See, you could be mowing the lawn and catch the bird bath which drops on your toe causing you to hop around straight onto the rake. Tom & Jerry style it hits you between the eyes and you stumble into the flowerpots breaking a few and cutting your toe. In your rage you grab the hose and give it sharp tug pulling a tendon in your hand so you decide to retire to the potting shed only to slam the door behind you loosening that wonky shelf and causing that old metal watering can and stacks of old seed trays to tumble down from above rendering you unconscious.

Statistically 99.5% of you have not read this far so for the .5% who are still with us have a great and safe Holiday Accident Season, I’m going out to Bunnyopolis to see Aaran, Jura and Iona, who according to the 1999 stats are the third most dangerous pets. 

Better take a spoon for protection then.

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